Friends Or Foes?
by Gillyness
Summary: What happens when HP characters are forced to live together? They go insane, of course!
1. Game Show

Greetings! This is my vision of what would happen if the characters had been contestants in some twisted game show (invented by me, of course) where they were forced to live together on a tropical island. This is also known as What Happens When I'm Up To Late. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: JK owns Harry Potter and Co., the insanity is all mind, and it's all I have so don't sue!  
  
Hello and welcome to 'Friends or Foes?'! *Audience applauds half-heartedly* I'm your host, and due to my privacy, you may call me PLF. Today, we're going to travel to a small island off the coast of the Bahamas where we will place our pairs. The pairs will have to spend all their time together if they want to win the grand prize of 1000 Galleons *audience goes "ooooooh"*! Now let's meet our Pairs!  
  
Scene fads out and fades in to a tropical island. PLF is standing in the center of the camera shot, wearing a straw sunhat and sunglasses.  
  
PLF: Let's welcome our first pair, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger!  
  
Ron and Hermione walk on, looking scared and confused.  
  
Hermi: Where are we? What's going on?  
  
PLF: You have been *ehem* transferred to a muggle game show. Now, before I explain, let's meet our next pair, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!  
  
Harry and Draco walk on.  
  
Harry: What happened? Why have I been kidnapped?  
  
PLF *ignoring Harry*: And now our third pair, Sirius Black and Severus Snape!  
  
Sirius and Snape enter, glaring at each other.  
  
PLF: Last but not least, our final pair, Albus Dumbledore and Tom Riddle!  
  
Guess who walks in? That's right. Albus and Voldie. Albus looks amused, Voldie like he's likely to blow something up.  
  
PLF: Now that I've got all you together, I'll explain. You are contestants in 'Friends or Foes?' a game show where you must stay on an island and live with the person you have been paired up with. The last pair left wins the grand prize of 1000 Galleons!  
  
Ron: Wicked!  
  
Malfoy: Oh, yes. I suppose you'd be happy if your family got some gold. They could move out of that excuse for a moldy log they live in, although it really wouldn't help their reputation.  
  
Ron growls and moves towards Malfoy. Hermione grads his arms and struggles to hold him at bay.  
  
Malfoy: My family, on the other hand, has no use for extra pocket money. You may take me back home, now.  
  
Harry: Yes, please do.  
  
PLF: Sorry, guys, but being on this show isn't an option.  
  
Harry and Malfoy, simultaneously: Damn.  
  
Sirius: You mean I have to live with HIM??? *points at Snape*  
  
Voldie: I won't! I refuse to *camp* with my worst enemy!  
  
Hermi: *raising hand timidly* Excuse me, miss game show host?  
  
PLF: Call me PLF  
  
Hermi: Okay, erm, PLF? I was wondering about the title. The part that says 'Friends'. That isn't technically right, I mean, Ron and I are the only people paired up who are actually friends. Everyone else hates each other.  
  
Ron: God Hermione! Can't you go one minute without worrying about correcting stuff?  
  
Hermi: Well I'm sorry! At least I didn't get a 69% on my last exam!  
  
*Ron's ears go red, and he opens his mouth, but is cut off by PLF*  
  
PLF: Now, now! That's exactly the kind of behavior that will get you kicked out! *Hermione and Ron shut up, but are still glaring at each other*.  
  
Voldie: I demand to know where my wand has gone!  
  
PLF: For safety reasons, your wand was left behind when we apparated you away.  
  
Voldie: Aarg! My wand is laying on the floor in one of the best strip clubs in Vegas!  
  
Everyone gives Voldie strange looks. Albus scoots slightly away from him.  
  
PLF: Anyhoo, getting back to the rules. You may go anywhere you want on the island, but you must stick together. If you attempt to physically harm your partner in any way, you will be disqualified. Now, let's get you to your camps!  
  
Scene goes to Harry and Malfoy setting up camp.  
  
Harry: Malfoy, you could at least help me with this tent! *Wipes sweaty forehead*.  
  
Malfoy: *Looking up from swimsuit magazine*. No way, Potter. As far as I'm concerned, we will have nothing to do with each other. Now chop chop, my tropical drink needs refreshing.  
  
Harry: *grumble*  
  
Scene switches to Ron messing with tent and Hermione reading a manual.  
  
Ron: *umph* How do you put up this thing? (referring to tent)  
  
Hermi: The instruction manual says-  
  
Ron: Can you shut up about the stupid manual!!!  
  
Hermi: I'm just trying to help.  
  
Ron: You wanna help? Then how about getting up and actually doing something instead of sitting there!  
  
Hermi: *glare that could fry a crayon*  
  
Scene goes to Sirius and Snape at campsite.  
  
Snape: Now, if we want to live through this torture, you must do exactly as I say. Now, light the fire.  
  
Sirius: HOW? I don't have my wand! I say we forget this and run away.  
  
Snape: If you're so clever, think of a way yourself.  
  
Sirius: What about you? You haven't done anything the entire time we've been here! You're just sitting on your fat butt, not helping at all!  
  
*Snape gives Sirius a death glare and flexes fingers.*  
  
~Scenes switches to Albus and Voldie~  
  
Albus: Okay, now that we've gotten the fire started, how about a couple of campfire songs?  
  
Voldie: I utterly refuse! They can make me stay on this god-forsaken island, but they cannot make me sing!!  
  
Albus: Kumbiyah, my lord, kumbiyah...  
  
Voldie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
  
Scene goes to Hermi and Ron.  
  
Hermi: Oh yeah? Well, at least I didn't have to get my best friend to get a date to the Yule Ball for me! You didn't even ask Padma!  
  
Ron: Well, at least she's better than that Bulgarian git!  
  
Hermi: Git?! GIT!?! You're the one who asked for his autograph!  
  
PLF: Now, now, this is what will get you ki-  
  
Ron and Hermi: SHUT UP!  
  
~Scene goes to Sirius and Snape~  
  
Snape is glaring at Sirius; Sirius is tying Snape to tree.  
  
Snape: Untie me you imbecile! I will not stand for this!  
  
Sirius (who has a creepy glint in his eyes): YAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Scene goes to Harry and Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy (glancing over rims of glitter sunglasses): Hurry up slave! I've run out of grapes and I need to be fanned! If your not putting up the tent, at least make yourself useful and do my every bidding!  
  
Harry's left eye begins to twitch involuntarily.  
  
Scene goes to Albus and Voldie.  
  
Albus: River, take me along in your sunshine, sing me your song...  
  
Voldie (pacing): Must...make...noise...STOP!  
  
Scene switches to Hermi and Ron wrestling with each other. Hermione seems to be winning.  
  
Hermi (between punches): You...stupid...idiot!  
  
PLF (pulling two apart): I'm sorry, guys, but that's against the rules! You two are disqualified!  
  
Ron (to Hermi): This is all your fault.  
  
Hermi: Was not!  
  
PLF: *Groans*  
  
Scene goes to Sirius and Snape, who is still tied to a tree. Sirius is cooking a hotdog over the fire.  
  
Snape: Let me down from here!  
  
Sirius: I can't hear you...  
  
Snape: I said let me down! I command you!  
  
Sirius: LALALALALALAICAN'THEARYOULALALALALALA!  
  
Scene goes to Harry and Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy (who doesn't seem to notice Harry's twitching eye): I'm waaaiting...  
  
Harry: (muttering incomprehensively)  
  
Malfoy: I must to be waited on hand and foot! You're the closest thing to a house elf around here, so move it!  
  
Harry: *lets out a roar and lunges at Malfoy, who is relaxing on a pink beach chair*  
  
*Both get tangled up in beach chair, and begin struggling madly until PLF arrives and disqualifies them.*  
  
~Scene switches to Albus and Voldie~  
  
*Albus is still singing, Voldie is curled up in a ball and muttering.*  
  
Voldie: Make it end. Please make the pain end.  
  
Albus: Hey, how about another round of "There's a Hole in the Log"?  
  
Voldie lets out a high-pitched shriek and grabs a stick. He attempts to stab Albus through the heart but Albus is saved by his thick beard. PLF runs on set and disqualifies them both (didn't see that one coming, did ya?)  
  
PLF: Well, due to the fact that all other contestants disobeyed the rules, (glares at pouting ex-contestants) the winners are Sirius Black and Severus Snape!  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermi cheer glumly.  
  
PLF: Let's go meet our winners!  
  
Whole group hikes over to Sirius and Snape's campsite. Snape is getting acquainted to his tree and Sirius is whispering to his now cooked hotdog and giving Snape suspicious glances.  
  
PLF (looking curiously at Sirius and Snape): Um, thank you for joining us for, uh *(glances anxiously at the pair, who don't seem to notice her presence)*, another exciting episode. Tune in next time for "Friends or Foes?" (To camera holder) Turn that thing off, will ya?  
  
The End 


	2. Afterwards

I just had the sudden urge to write what happens after the Great and Powerful PLF sets free her contestants. Short. Pointless. Read.  
  
Disclaimer: JK owns them.  
  
Afterwards  
  
After sorting out their personal issues with the assistance of several counseling sessions, Hermione and Ron opened the Granger and Weasley Relationship Counseling Service together, and spend their days helping people with the problem they used to be cursed with.  
  
Harry realized his true passion soon after and applied for a job at Dobby's House-Elf Corporation.  
  
Draco, in a moment of fear, freed all his house elves, but not before making up for all the years he didn't pay them.  
  
Albus started a self-motivating and rain forest-supporting band called Albus ThickBeard and the Tom Riddles.  
  
Snape opened a greenhouse where he shelters plants and trees with his co-partner and best friend the tree, who he named Geraldo.  
  
Sirius opened a hot dog stand.  
  
And Voldemort completely changed his overall goal and spends his time chasing after Albus ThickBeard and the Tom Riddles, who are forced to tour across the country to avoid him.  
  
The Real End. 


End file.
